As I mentioned in my previous post (recall: "WHERE IS MY REFRESHING WEEKEND?!" catchphrase XD), my reading week was insanely busy as I have midterms on the Monday and Tuesday right after the week, assignment due on Wednesday, and case study on Thursday. BUT HERE I AM NOW! Surviving the week~
Has actually been planning to post this since Monday since I feel like it'd be great to spread the positivity, but my workload isn't decreasing much that I had to postpone the post till the end of the week~
So here it is!
It's positive, I ensure you, but it's long. So I'll still put it under the cut :3
People always say that I'm a positive person. But in fact, that's not the case. I'm actually a very negative person when things aren't going how I want them to be. These experiences included.
This reading week turned out to be the busiest most productive reading week I've ever had. Yes, I worked on SKULE stuffs literally almost every day, except for Wednesday -- I was so done on Wednesday that I decided to take a day off and refresh my mind. And this is where the cycle of negative-dark Irene emerges.
A big no no: never EVER regret something before doing anything. I took a day off on Wednesday with this thought in mind: "I'm so tired of studying so I want a rest. I know that I'll regret this, but I need it"
Yes, that underlined line was a taboo thought to have before refreshing. Why? It ended up stressing me out at the end of the day. I ended up working super hard on the next days: Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Sunday morning, still hadn't finished studying for my midterms but there's a family lunch. Being too scared of not being able to finish studying, I decided to not go to our family lunch, and this is where all the negativity explodes.
Not sure if I've ever mentioned this here in LJ, but all my cousins are all so smart and have good social skills. Microsoft, Straight A+, Master-of-all-trades, Club president. Those are the 4 living in Canada. And here I am, an ordinary girl with plain social skill who's trying hard to just get into the Dean's List. And that very girl didn't go to a family lunch to study? I won't blame any of my family member if they have these thoughts in mind: "What has she been doing the whole reading week? Is she literally doing nothing but school?". It's not like I've been slacking off. The work is just endless. And as you might've expected, that taking a day off on Wednesday made this feeling worse.
Wiping all my tears, I tried calming myself down and look into just what was in front of me: studying for midterm. One step a time. Calming myself listening to NEWS' "Full Swing", Arashi's "Find The Answer" and "Boku ga boku no subete", I somehow managed to finished reviewing everything by 2. An hour rest for lunch while watching 99.9 ep 6, then I went back to work. All good till night, heart still feel heavy, but I finished studying for both Monday's and Tuesday's midterms.
Monday morning, the fear came back to haunt me. I usually finish my assignments during the break, but this time, I couldn't finish my assignment that due on Wednesday. "Have my ability to work hard deteriorating? Why, Irene?" was on my thoughts the whole morning in the bus. But this thought actually brushed off when I talked to my friends: they also haven't finished. It's not that I'm slacking off, it's not that I haven't worked hard, it's just the assignment really is a lot of work. I set my bar too high and that's why reality slaps me so hard. This really lightened my heart, it's not 100% on me.
Moving on to the afternoon, I studied more for my midterm. Randomly picked a past midterm to do and found some concepts that are crucial yet is not on my 'cheat sheet' (a one page note we're allowed to bring to the midterm as aidsheet), so I put the formulas down to my 'cheat sheet'. Guess what? 50% of this year's midterm appeared to be VERY similar to that one midterm I did right before the midterm. What a coincidence? This is when I started thinking: hardwork doesn't always give you what you expected, but it is never fruitless.
By the end of Monday, my heart has been a lot lighter than it was on Sunday. I got to face Tuesday's midterm with positive mindset, as well as Wednesday's assignment and Thursday's case study. Though for the case study, my partner and I submitted literally 5mins before the deadline. However today during the solution discussion, my friend mentioned this to the Prof: "This case is HUGE. It's very huge that if you saw a lot of 11:59PM submission (deadline is at 12:00 AM) with shallow analysis, that is the very reason."
Yes, I wasn't the only one!
All these experience during the past 2 weeks have led me to this post's title: Balancing Hardwork and Positivity, Expectation and Reality
Why did I say balancing hardwork and positivity?
If you only work hard yet never acknowledge the work you've done, you'll end up in endless negativity spiral. However, if you are consent on doing things without fighting hard on it, you'll never be successful.
Why did I say balancing expectation and reality?
The only authentic parameter to judge the fruit of your hardwork is reality. You can set your expectation as high as the sky. But at the end of the day, judgement will be made based on reality. Therefore, if you ever thought "I think I can do this" yet was unable to realize that despite working hard, never let that bring you down! No hardwork is fruitless. If you work hard enough, even coincidental discovery of anything will be your ally.
As cliche as it may sound, these are what I feel that I've gained from the past 2 weeks, and I believe that having this mindset will help me be a better person :3
Kk Irene, otsukare for overcoming this storm!